Our first scripted video! We’re idiots….
Hey guys! It’s me, Thanatos/The Reaper! Since I’ve been hiding from the insane loa, who for some reason is calling himself ringmaster, this update will be short and sweet. I am currently holed up in Kansas, hopefully where the ringmaster can’t find me. Expect a couple videos after everything blows over. Urban Squatch is of course missing at this very moment, but I’m sure he’ll return eventually. And if not, well. Let’s just say Area 19 aren’t the only ones who can kidnap people and destroy lives… So anyway, I hope you have an amazing Valentine’s Day and I hope you can share it with someone amazing as you guys. Thanks for following me.
So. It has recently come to my attention..: 3 survivors, whom I shall not name have been kidnapped, mind wiped, and studied by a mysterious organization known as base 19. They found weakness, chinks in the armor of these survivors. Don’t worry, I won’t allow this organization to continue its dealings. They have Urban Squatch… It’s time… Time for me to retaliate with my full power…
I lost my mummy! No, for real. My mummy Jameropsunkantu (James for short) Has escaped the underworld! Now I would normally let him run free, but unfortunately, he already had a second chance! So I’m asking you all, my reaperites, to assist finding him! Here’s our most recent photo.
However, it’s possible he’s changed to look more like
So please, if you have any information on his location. Contact me either here, or on twitter.
The water in a river in Xinmeizhou village in eastern China’s Zhejiang province turned red overnight, baffling the locals and causing Supernatural survivalists all over the world to flock to the site of this conundrum.
Supernaturalilist Ken Aryion had this to say about the blood river. “We believe the site to be a sort of portal to the underworld,” He stated to my interns. “We will be travelling down the river, to see if this is a correct theory.”
My interns and I highly recommend against this. While it is not a portal to the underworld, no one knows exactly what this is. Theories go anywhere from ‘Food Coloring’ to ‘A curse placed upon the river’. Luckily, I am here to help you survive this river.
REAPERS TIPS FOR THE BLOOD RIVER:
- Just stay away from it. Don’t go swimming, don’t fish in it, don’t even take a shower. The River is potentially deadly to those who get wet.
- Don’t drink from it. In case we, here at The Reapers Tips are incorrect about the ‘Portal to the underworld’ thing, like we were with the portal to the underworld in Russia, then you should most definitely avoid drinking the tap water and water from the river itself. If you have ever heard of the demigod Tantalus, you would know that any food or drink you consume in the underworld, is cursed. Now, I’m not saying you should not drink at all until this clears up, I’m just saying drink bottled water.
- Report strange activity. If you see a fish jump out of the water but is quite clearly a skeleton, then you should report it to the government or myself.
Happy Birthday to a Demigod
Happy birthday to my good friend Janus, who has survived another year. You know him as the god of choices, doorways, and wonderland. He has been a great help to me, and everyone on Seth on Survival. Mr. Hatter sir, I salute you.
So, recently I have been very busy. But with the upcoming Blood Moon tetrad, I thought I’d better update you guys. First things first.
MINING TO THE UNDERWORLD: Recently, Miners up in Alaska have started mining down to the underworld. Why? Because Gold tends to show up near our domain. Please, comment below to support our petition to stop mining into our
FLYING MONKEYS: This update comes from my personal friend the Hatter.
ACTUAL HIGHWAY TO HELL: During my vacation, I happened to see this sign. If anyone else has seen the this sign, contact me immediately.
Reapers Weekly Weekend Update.
Well, I’ve started looking around. As it turns out, everyone is preparing for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. Why? Because we are very close to it. Consider this, the world is falling apart at the seams. If the world falls, people will start freaking out. Science has already found ways to create Zombies, plus we’re very near singularity (or the Computer Takeover.) And who’s to say people won’t create Zombies to fight the computers? I don’t know why they would do that, but if there is one thing I’ve learned from horror films? When humanity is in trouble from monsters, they create new ones to fight the other one. Of course, that would be a mistake seeing as how we’d have to survive undead, and cyborgs all at once… And then we’d have to choose which one we’d rather be with… Hm… Here’s my tip of the week, DON’T SEND ZOMBIES TO DESTROY THE COMPUTERS! It’ll cause everything to go Pear-Shaped.
I am the Reaper, I survive it so you can too.
Are you kidding me with this? Squatch, are you reading the onion again? Wait, this is real?! Holy smokes! This just in, we have found Lilliput! That’s right, Gilligan’s Island! The so called ‘Mythical Island’ of shrunken people. Oh boy… My crazy roommate is at it again. Hush up Squatch, let’s not forget what you did after Danica Patrick crashed last night.
Sasquatches don’t make great sports pals…
So, anyway. There once was man from Peru, who dreamed who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke with a fright, from the middle of the nigh only to find his dream had come true!
Wrong limerick reaper…
Whoops, sorry everyone. Long story short, one of our female friends visited the island not to long ago. Unfortunately, all we got back was a photo. She hasn’t come back in 2 months, but we aren’t giving up hope! Jack Black came back. I think… He hasn’t done many movies recently…
So, before you take a dream vacation to Lilliput yourself, you might want to take my advice on this one. Pack useful things.
1. Take an emergency radio, and a power pot. You should be able to find a power pot at any Apocalyptic Preparedness store after this dark year there should be one in all of them, and try Amazon for an emergency radio if you don’t already have one.
2. Take lots of water, never leave home without it.
3. A camera. Just so that people don’t think you belong in a mental institution when you return. That and you can get on any reality show EVER and make millions off the story.
4. A box of waterproof matches. Need a fire? Don’t have magic over pyromancy? Wasn’t a boy/girl scout? Matches should work fine for lighting a rescue fire.
5. A pocket knife. Perfect for hunting, or cutting the little tiny binds of little people.
So, before you go to your travel agent about taking a trip to Lilliput, take my advice. Don’t go unprepared.
Okay, as a mediator of life and death, I have a tendency to get a bad rap. No, not like Snoop Dogg. But I promise you, I am 100% legit. I give out great advice. Well, depending on your idea of ‘Great Advice’ but anyway. This if for all you werewolf ladies out there who want some love advice from someone who is actually alive. I give you, URBAN SQUATCH! You can contact him any time at our Email address. firstname.lastname@example.org Or, even better. You could ignore him and allow the creepy skeleton to continue feeding you advice. Anyway, contact either one of us. Without further ado, I give you Urban Squatch’s tips. Seriously, don’t encourage him.
Ahem, thanks for the intro Reaper… Not… So, todays question comes from Midnight who asks
‘How can I get a packmate to be more than just a packmate?’ Well, I believe you werewolves love to run yes? Well, when you transform next moon run with your mate, if it’s not meant to be, he’ll try to run away from you. But, if he stays and actually talks to you, won’t that make it all the sweeter?
Your love doctor, Urban Squatch
All right, so that’s it for this months segment. Again, please send all ideas and other news to email@example.com or hey, just post in the comments below! Squatchy and I would love to see you. I am the reaper, I survive it so you can too. Keep on rocking.
Okay, as for my last post I gave you cleaning tips. Well, since the Urban Squatch who wears a brown UPS uniform because quote ‘the ladies love a man in uniform’ tried to tell me my new clothing style is ridiculous and that I should burn them. Well, that’s painful mister Squatch. But, if you want advice here it is.
————————–TIP #5: Fashion Advice——————————
Okay, so here it is. Wear lots of black. It’s slimming, hides stains, and it goes with everything! Hoodies are always cool, no matter what time of year it is.
Get a belt with lots of pouches, functional, you can look like a Kangaroo, plus plenty of places to store things such as Cell Phones or souls…
Boots and jeans, no jean shorts if your a guy. Or a skeleton. Face facts, if you have hair or just bones on your legs, then is it really a great idea to go running around in Daisy Dukes? No, the answer is no. Good god, no. Thank god I can’t find that picture from Spring Break…
Now, the one thing I like to do for jobs in the busy season, I LOVE wearing an ice cream man uniform. It gives people a sense of security, and lightens the mood. Plus… All the ice cream you want. WHOO!
Now, as you know I’m not exactly a male model, but hey! My advice is great, and you can’t say otherwise. Says you… Stop talking Squatch, you have no reason to make fun of my style. Mister ‘Brown is the new crimson’
I’m the Reaper, I survive it fashionably so you can too! Keep on rocking.