Our first scripted video! We’re idiots….
Hey guys! It’s me, Thanatos/The Reaper! Since I’ve been hiding from the insane loa, who for some reason is calling himself ringmaster, this update will be short and sweet. I am currently holed up in Kansas, hopefully where the ringmaster can’t find me. Expect a couple videos after everything blows over. Urban Squatch is of course missing at this very moment, but I’m sure he’ll return eventually. And if not, well. Let’s just say Area 19 aren’t the only ones who can kidnap people and destroy lives… So anyway, I hope you have an amazing Valentine’s Day and I hope you can share it with someone amazing as you guys. Thanks for following me.
So. It has recently come to my attention..: 3 survivors, whom I shall not name have been kidnapped, mind wiped, and studied by a mysterious organization known as base 19. They found weakness, chinks in the armor of these survivors. Don’t worry, I won’t allow this organization to continue its dealings. They have Urban Squatch… It’s time… Time for me to retaliate with my full power…
I should get onto the article, but first. Let me take a selfie
Reapers and Supernaturalists all over the world are asking themselves one question… Should I take a selfie? Andrea Dawn of Cincinnati posted a photo of herself on Facebook yesterday. The photo has since gone viral. Now what we should all ask ourselves is. Is it safe to take selfies?
Researchers show that 99.9% of all recent death victims took a selfie at least once in their lifetime. So of course it’s not safe! Stop putting your face out on the Internet! But as for wondering if photobombing phantasms are truly a threat? Not really. Ghosts are usually unphotogenic tending to stay out of the limelight. Even destroying photographic proof of their existence or trying to scare off pesky paparazzo. This new breed seems to be peaceful as far, but you know what they always say. Better safe than sorry. Remember to check out Seth Greenings ghost survival tips You’re safety is 99.9% confirmed.
I am the Reaper! I survive it so you can too! But first, let me take a selfie!
I lost my mummy! No, for real. My mummy Jameropsunkantu (James for short) Has escaped the underworld! Now I would normally let him run free, but unfortunately, he already had a second chance! So I’m asking you all, my reaperites, to assist finding him! Here’s our most recent photo.
However, it’s possible he’s changed to look more like
So please, if you have any information on his location. Contact me either here, or on twitter.
The water in a river in Xinmeizhou village in eastern China’s Zhejiang province turned red overnight, baffling the locals and causing Supernatural survivalists all over the world to flock to the site of this conundrum.
Supernaturalilist Ken Aryion had this to say about the blood river. “We believe the site to be a sort of portal to the underworld,” He stated to my interns. “We will be travelling down the river, to see if this is a correct theory.”
My interns and I highly recommend against this. While it is not a portal to the underworld, no one knows exactly what this is. Theories go anywhere from ‘Food Coloring’ to ‘A curse placed upon the river’. Luckily, I am here to help you survive this river.
REAPERS TIPS FOR THE BLOOD RIVER:
- Just stay away from it. Don’t go swimming, don’t fish in it, don’t even take a shower. The River is potentially deadly to those who get wet.
- Don’t drink from it. In case we, here at The Reapers Tips are incorrect about the ‘Portal to the underworld’ thing, like we were with the portal to the underworld in Russia, then you should most definitely avoid drinking the tap water and water from the river itself. If you have ever heard of the demigod Tantalus, you would know that any food or drink you consume in the underworld, is cursed. Now, I’m not saying you should not drink at all until this clears up, I’m just saying drink bottled water.
- Report strange activity. If you see a fish jump out of the water but is quite clearly a skeleton, then you should report it to the government or myself.
Happy Birthday to a Demigod
Happy birthday to my good friend Janus, who has survived another year. You know him as the god of choices, doorways, and wonderland. He has been a great help to me, and everyone on Seth on Survival. Mr. Hatter sir, I salute you.
Strange news from Gainesville, Florida this week. 48 Year-old Joseph Carl has been drinking and drove into a vehicle this week. Naturally, I was the first on the scene. He threw the car into park, and when the frightened woman fled the scene, the truck somehow began to move without him noticing. Now, after I reaped his soul, Mr. Carl had this to say.
“What’s it to you boney? I was just about to go kick the crap out of that lady for stopping short. Had you not shown up…” He stated. “The lady did wave her hand at me however, and the fact that my truck moved just after that is slightly suspicious.”
Now, seeing as this case struck me as odd, I did some investigating in the Reaper Files.Only 3 beings known to them could possibly have done this. A Djinn, a Witch, or a Demon.
Facts supporting these: Each have a form of magic which could easily force his truck out of park.
Facts Supporting Demons and Witches: They tend to be vengeful, last time you got a fenderbender, didn’t you want to just blast someone to death?
Facts Supporting a Jinn: Admittedly, this is a bit of a stretch. They would have the same reason as a witch or a demon, but the issue is most Jinn were trapped in household items long ago. Perhaps a Jinn master.
Until this is figured out, I ask all survivors in the Florida area to be on the lookout for these creatures.
So, recently I have been very busy. But with the upcoming Blood Moon tetrad, I thought I’d better update you guys. First things first.
MINING TO THE UNDERWORLD: Recently, Miners up in Alaska have started mining down to the underworld. Why? Because Gold tends to show up near our domain. Please, comment below to support our petition to stop mining into our
FLYING MONKEYS: This update comes from my personal friend the Hatter.
ACTUAL HIGHWAY TO HELL: During my vacation, I happened to see this sign. If anyone else has seen the this sign, contact me immediately.
Reapers Weekly Weekend Update.
Well, I’ve started looking around. As it turns out, everyone is preparing for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. Why? Because we are very close to it. Consider this, the world is falling apart at the seams. If the world falls, people will start freaking out. Science has already found ways to create Zombies, plus we’re very near singularity (or the Computer Takeover.) And who’s to say people won’t create Zombies to fight the computers? I don’t know why they would do that, but if there is one thing I’ve learned from horror films? When humanity is in trouble from monsters, they create new ones to fight the other one. Of course, that would be a mistake seeing as how we’d have to survive undead, and cyborgs all at once… And then we’d have to choose which one we’d rather be with… Hm… Here’s my tip of the week, DON’T SEND ZOMBIES TO DESTROY THE COMPUTERS! It’ll cause everything to go Pear-Shaped.
I am the Reaper, I survive it so you can too.
Are you kidding me with this? Squatch, are you reading the onion again? Wait, this is real?! Holy smokes! This just in, we have found Lilliput! That’s right, Gilligan’s Island! The so called ‘Mythical Island’ of shrunken people. Oh boy… My crazy roommate is at it again. Hush up Squatch, let’s not forget what you did after Danica Patrick crashed last night.
Sasquatches don’t make great sports pals…
So, anyway. There once was man from Peru, who dreamed who dreamed he was eating his shoe. He woke with a fright, from the middle of the nigh only to find his dream had come true!
Wrong limerick reaper…
Whoops, sorry everyone. Long story short, one of our female friends visited the island not to long ago. Unfortunately, all we got back was a photo. She hasn’t come back in 2 months, but we aren’t giving up hope! Jack Black came back. I think… He hasn’t done many movies recently…
So, before you take a dream vacation to Lilliput yourself, you might want to take my advice on this one. Pack useful things.
1. Take an emergency radio, and a power pot. You should be able to find a power pot at any Apocalyptic Preparedness store after this dark year there should be one in all of them, and try Amazon for an emergency radio if you don’t already have one.
2. Take lots of water, never leave home without it.
3. A camera. Just so that people don’t think you belong in a mental institution when you return. That and you can get on any reality show EVER and make millions off the story.
4. A box of waterproof matches. Need a fire? Don’t have magic over pyromancy? Wasn’t a boy/girl scout? Matches should work fine for lighting a rescue fire.
5. A pocket knife. Perfect for hunting, or cutting the little tiny binds of little people.
So, before you go to your travel agent about taking a trip to Lilliput, take my advice. Don’t go unprepared.
Okay, as a mediator of life and death, I have a tendency to get a bad rap. No, not like Snoop Dogg. But I promise you, I am 100% legit. I give out great advice. Well, depending on your idea of ‘Great Advice’ but anyway. This if for all you werewolf ladies out there who want some love advice from someone who is actually alive. I give you, URBAN SQUATCH! You can contact him any time at our Email address. email@example.com Or, even better. You could ignore him and allow the creepy skeleton to continue feeding you advice. Anyway, contact either one of us. Without further ado, I give you Urban Squatch’s tips. Seriously, don’t encourage him.
Ahem, thanks for the intro Reaper… Not… So, todays question comes from Midnight who asks
‘How can I get a packmate to be more than just a packmate?’ Well, I believe you werewolves love to run yes? Well, when you transform next moon run with your mate, if it’s not meant to be, he’ll try to run away from you. But, if he stays and actually talks to you, won’t that make it all the sweeter?
Your love doctor, Urban Squatch
All right, so that’s it for this months segment. Again, please send all ideas and other news to firstname.lastname@example.org or hey, just post in the comments below! Squatchy and I would love to see you. I am the reaper, I survive it so you can too. Keep on rocking.
Okay, as for my last post I gave you cleaning tips. Well, since the Urban Squatch who wears a brown UPS uniform because quote ‘the ladies love a man in uniform’ tried to tell me my new clothing style is ridiculous and that I should burn them. Well, that’s painful mister Squatch. But, if you want advice here it is.
————————–TIP #5: Fashion Advice——————————
Okay, so here it is. Wear lots of black. It’s slimming, hides stains, and it goes with everything! Hoodies are always cool, no matter what time of year it is.
Get a belt with lots of pouches, functional, you can look like a Kangaroo, plus plenty of places to store things such as Cell Phones or souls…
Boots and jeans, no jean shorts if your a guy. Or a skeleton. Face facts, if you have hair or just bones on your legs, then is it really a great idea to go running around in Daisy Dukes? No, the answer is no. Good god, no. Thank god I can’t find that picture from Spring Break…
Now, the one thing I like to do for jobs in the busy season, I LOVE wearing an ice cream man uniform. It gives people a sense of security, and lightens the mood. Plus… All the ice cream you want. WHOO!
Now, as you know I’m not exactly a male model, but hey! My advice is great, and you can’t say otherwise. Says you… Stop talking Squatch, you have no reason to make fun of my style. Mister ‘Brown is the new crimson’
I’m the Reaper, I survive it fashionably so you can too! Keep on rocking.
For those of you, like me. Were out on the water last night, and this morning. Trying to slay the Midgard serpent. Well, if you like me, did find the Midgard serpent, only to get eaten and having to slay it inside out. Ugh… So, anyway. Here’s some advice on getting stains out of your t-shirt! Or robes as the case may be.
1. Try using Spray Nine, it’s widely used for survivors everywhere. But don’t use it if you are undead. It kills 99.9% of all evil undead particles. As guaranteed by Seth Greening.
2. Peanut Butter. Tastes great, and comes right out in the wash!
3. Get new clothes. Let’s face facts here, unless you like stomach acid on your shoes and t-shirts? Then your gonna have the obvious issue of smelling it every single day… So, be for real here. BURN THE CLOTHES! Maybe even get cooler clothes. LIKE ME!
Lame… SQUATCH GET OFF MY COMPUTER!
Sorry, anyway. I promised it, and here it is. What Odin said to Baldur is unknown, but those who still wish to read the poem, here it is. Then Odin mounted the pyre. On Balder’s breast
he laid the gold ring Draupner, and bending low he whispered in Balder’s ear. . . .
From that hour have gods and men wondered what said Odin in his son’s ear.
When Odin whispered
In Balder’s ear,
Nor god nor man
Was nigh to hear.
What Odin whispered,
No man knoweth
Or e’er shall know.
In silence Odin returned to the shore, and then Thor consecrated the pyre with his hammer. A dwarf named Littur, who ran past him, he kicked into the boat, where he was burned with Balder.
So ended the ceremony of grief, and the torch was placed to the pyre. High as heaven leapt the flames, and the faces of the gods were made ruddy in the glow. . . . Nanna cried aloud in grief, and her heart burst within her, and she fell dead upon the cold sea strand.
Seaward swept the burning ship. . . . The whole world sorrowed for Baldr
I am The Reaper, I survive it so you can too! Keep rocking.
Reaper of Fashion that is… DON’T MAKE ME HURT YOU URBAN SQUATCH!
Ah, Valentines day. The day when St. Valentine was brutally clubbed to death. Isn’t it beautiful? Wait, how is that even close to beautiful?! So many people celebrate Valentines day as a day of love, but the only thing I can even find that the day even has to do with love, is that it was common belief that the fourteenth day of February was the day birds chose their mates. So why is it Saint Valentines day? Well, the fourteenth was the day he was executed. I suppose that’s why we celebrate it.
Now, as for the tip, as you know, I’m a supernatural Survivologist. The 7th most trusted on the interwebs as of… New Years day. I’m not a holiday analyst. Though I hear that pays well, do you think I’d be good at it? Reaply in the comments below.
Now, this Valentines day lands on a full moon. Which could mean all sorts of supernatural baddies out there. For instance, Moon Elves. This one doesn’t seem so bad, but you never know with bloodsuckers. And of course the two most obvious… Werewolves and Anti-Cupid. So, on a night like that, what else could go wrong?! I’ll tell you what, Necromancers. Death Wizards raising Saint Valentine from the grave. Now, your probably thinking ‘Why would Necromancers try to raise a dead saint?’ Probably for heck of it. To Necromancers, breaking the veil on a full moon is fun! So, this Valentines day, I warn you. Just don’t go out February 14th. Stay in, have a nice home cooked dinner, sit in front of the TV and watch ‘Rom-Coms’ with your significant other. Hell, it’ll probably be too cold to go out anyway. Have a good Valentines day my friends!
I am the Reaper, I survive it so you can too!
Cupid eh? Well, I thought since this is the month of love I’d give you some tips on that old god of love. Wait, demons? Are you serious? Dang, all right. So, it seems we have a high demon alert set for February 14 this year. I know, this is an odd week isn’t it? Between the Lava Nymphs, and the Giant Cannibal Rats, I’ve barely gotten any sleep! Let alone preparing for the court date of Seth Greening of Seth on Survival! Special thanks to Agent RB for warning me of this grave injustice. So, without further ado, I give you Valentines Day survival tips! So, recently I was searching through my reaper archives, and found this painting of a cupid like creature. ————>
So what is it you might ask? It looks human, right? Besides the black angel wings of course. I’ll tell you what it is, it’s a fallen cupid. I’ve recently seen there are always an opposite to an emotion: Anger, Joy, Sadness, also Joy, Love, HATE. Which is the job of the Dark Cupid, it was meant to split love apart. Causing hate and malice, so how do you stop this creature of hate?
Public showings of affections do tend to sicken it, but that;s not a good idea because of a Halloween incident last year. If you see this couple. please contact myself or Seth Greening. Still missing as of 2/5/14
What other things can you do? Hang out in a rose garden, she is really allergic to roses. She won’t even be able to get close enough to shoot you with her hate arrow. So, long story short, where love is prominent, hate cannot touch you!
I am the Reaper, I survive it so you can too! Keep on rocking friends!
Ugh, what a week… First off, I’d like to just say this. I had absolutely NOTHING to do with Seth Greetings court date. Yes, I know how it looks… But, I am an huge supporter of Seth as a matter of fact. So, I would never do this to him.
Without further ado, I give you the first true Reaper Tip!
Lava Nymph warning: How to survive a Lava Nymph?
Is the worlds most active Volcano. Most volcanoes die out pretty soon after erupting once, so this brings me to the question… Is this a supernatural hotspot? Hawaii as you may know, has an extremely large supernatural community. What with the Tiki’s, and the old Hawaiian gods, you can hardly walk 2 steps without hitting something! So what makes this Volcano special? Nymphs. Controllers of nature, and ancient guardians of nature. I.E The Killauea Volcano. So, how do you survive a Lava Nymph? Well very simply actually. You try to talk to them, see if anything is bugging them, and if something is, help them with that. It should appease them somewhat. Well, unless it involves human sacrifice in which case DO NOT do it. The Reapers Tips ™ does not condone human sacrifice. Even if it is to appease an angry volcano god.
If you don’t want to help them out, and/or can’t, I suggest running. As I said, this is very simple. Nymphs are not very complex creatures. They really just want to protect nature at all costs. So, whether your in Hawaii or anywhere else in the world, Or outside of it as the case may be. Just follow these tips and you will survive most Nymph attacks. With full Reaper guarentee!
The reaper is not responsible for any lost lives using this tips, if you have a problem take it up with the High Council.
Hey my followers, so I’ve been extremely busy recently. After my report on hellhounds, I was hunted down by a whole horde of demons. After that, I had to do some planes walking. And now I’m being chased by even more demons, but enough about that. I’m not too worried.
No, not Black Friday. (Although, do be careful that day.) You may not know this, but the Yuletide is ridden with supernatural forces, and creatures who break into your house. So, I’m going to list a few ways to help you survive the holidays! That is of course, if you don’t mind warding off the Grinch(s). To name one, Anti-Claus. Now, there is a demon known as Krampus. However, he is only the enforcer of the “Naughty List”. The true Anti-Claus, is much worse. His name is Claude Claus. Delivering gifts to evil adults and kids on Dark Christmas Eve is but one small part of the Anti-Clauses life. He travels about in a black sleigh powered by 8 flying hell hounds with one Manticore leading the unholy pack. Dark Christmas begins on December 26th, and is a killer. So, how would you go about surviving such a strange holiday? (Or celebrating depending on who you are.) Here are the tips you need for the season.
1. Grab as many Christmas things you can find, break out all the stops. Poinsettia, Holly, and Mistletoe. The Anti-Claus will not bother you if you have those.
2. Contact Santa Claus. It seems that only one thing can actually kill the Anti-Claus, is his brother Nick. So, if you actually need to contact Santa, I suggest this website. Should be able to help you. Reaper guaranteed, or your survival back. (Some restrictions do apply)
3. Make sure you don’t go outside on neither Halloween, nor December 26th. Or Dark Christmas Day.
If you do all of this, you should survive this, the Darkest Day of the year! That is besides Saint Patrick’s day.. Darn Leprachauns…
Keep on rocking followers! And have a Holly Jolly (but safe) Christmas!
Killer hounds of hell. They do make amazing guard dogs though.
So, Hellhounds. Interesting topic. Here’s some tips for Hellhound survival.
Hellhounds, these dogs are interesting. First off, they have been seen as far back as Nordic times, and as recent as modern times. So, here is some fun tips that you can do if a Hellhound comes for you.
Tip #1: Hellhounds love fetch. Get a stick and make him fetch it. Of course, if it’s mission was to fetch you… That might be a problem…
Tip #2: Hellhounds need attention. Just as much as a normal dog. Again, if it was here for you. Problem.
Tip #3: You can’t outrun a hellhound, they are planeswalkers. Instead, try to make friends with it. Try not to meet me at the same time, I really hate paperwork. And a hellhound attack, would take me a month to fill out.
Tip #4: If you can’t do any of the above, get Holy Water, pour it into a spray bottle, and spray them with it, It will stop the attack.
————————————If YOU are the Hellhound——————————————-
Do you know El Pollo de Diablo? If so, let me know. I’m still hunting him down…
I mean! Keep on Rocking.